These little yellow stinkers are saturating every Wal-Mart parking lot, clustered around every strip mall's roadside sign and jammed in the "landscaping" of every newly constructed house due to their "re-bloomability" (new word, dont bother looking it up).

As far as reblooming goes, they aren't so hot. You get a first flush and then a dribble of blooms after that. Nothing so rad as to have covered half THE FRIGGIN' EARTH IN THEM. They are short and wimpy and you just end up looking at that lame grassy foliage and I'm just not having it. No.

No.

To whom it may concern: this is a petition to change the common name of the plant bittersweet, also known as Asian bittersweet, also known as Celastrus orbiculatus.

To wit, there is nothing sweet about bittersweet. It's an invasive species. It's poisonous. It's the little vine with the capacity to choke 100-foot trees. It's so hard to tell apart from its U.S. counterpart American bittersweet, people say American doesn't live here anymore, and anyway the two hybridize so readily (Remember that?), we can't even replant the non-insane version that's made in the USA.

Worst of all, bittersweet seeds are often distributed because people use the berry-bedecked vines for fall wreaths and arrangements, and then just throw them out. Waste plus the spread of invasive species, all for extraneous ornament! That, people, is awesome.

What, then, should we call bittersweet? I petition you, dear reader, to join me in renaming it. Maybe bitterbeast is more apt? How about bidet seat? Bad lunchmeat? I'd really like to just call it gone. Suggest names in the comments, and then call it gone in your garden.